I've Looked at Fat From Both Sides Now

I never used to be “the fat one.” During my entire childhood I looked like a paler version of the poster child from Feed the Children. Now that my “girl body” has abandoned me like a frightened passenger on the Hindenburg, I am left with my “woman body” that is nearly a cookie cutout of my paternal grandmother. Though I loved her dearly, being told by relatives how much the resemblance increases with age reminds me of my own 7 year old opinion of her before she died. Portly. I had no knowledge of the word, but buxom sounds a bit lascivious for a child to use instead. Yes she had a great personality. She was liked by many. My former mother in-law once told me I look so much like her, right down to my chubby cheeks. I’d like to exchange those cheeks for the knobby-kneed, third-world country stick figure I once possessed. I don’t delude myself into thinking there could ever be enough gagging and heaving to make that a reality after three children and at my age. As a marginal note I wonder what would be left of my teeth. Thus, I have never embraced bulimia. One time while at a dance club with my friend, I accidentally stepped on a man’s foot. Notice I refrained from calling him a gentleman. Well this fellow then throws a mini-tantrum, and my friend remarks how lucky he is that I’m a little woman. His rebuttal is that I am a “big” little woman. That humiliation was only second to getting my hips and butt stuck between two swiveling bar stools. It was like the dueling banjos from Deliverance.

I have now arrived at my destination of Obesity, at least clinically. I have made sure to bring all my proper baggage with me. I’ve looked at fat from both sides now. I grew up thin my entire life until around age 30. Even after having three children I still maintained a healthy weight. Then my metabolism must have taken a holiday, because I’ve been gaining steadily ever since, with only a very brief intermission. I’ve been told I need to put on weight or that I was too thin. I’ve been told more recently that I “have a pretty face,” I “just need to work out more and eat healthy.” This wisdom from my 5’9”, 300 pound previous love interest. How endearing. I still make jokes that aren’t really jokes about panoramic lenses when someone wants to take my picture. Look at what society has allowed us to do to ourselves! We hold ourselves under a very cynical microscope, and every weight loss program and self-help book out there embraces our misery.